You speak of "adult" relationships, however, I feel that you are acting on adolescent impulses. I would say having a lover, outside of your marriage, is very French. But, the French don't treat their lovers like schoolage crushes. Not judging, just making an observation, albeit a harsh one.
This is dead-on. I am aware that my emotions are adolescent. I think that is part of the reason I want to post everything here. Seeing it written out, the conflict between emotion and logic, helps me keep it all in perspective. Shockingly perhaps, I do maintain an air of maturity face to face. Tumblr is my outlet. You see me at my worst, my jealousy, anxiety, and confusion.
Here, on tumblr, I willingly admit that my emotions tell me I love whomever I’m fucking. Childish, probably, but that’s me.
Also, proud of you for not going straight anon. Oh wait, you can’t, because I have anon turned off.
My husband’s constant whispered commentary on my son’s tennis game makes me want to choke him to death.
I am so tired. One more thing, then I will sleep and finish this crazy story another time.
I was never with anyone besides my husband until I turned 40. That was when I spent two weekends with Mike. We had sex once. That was over two years ago.
So when I say I don’t recognize myself, I’m not exaggerating.
Was it a game? It may have been. I may have done it to hurt T. But honestly. Honestly. I didn’t think he would really give a fuck. And as I tell the story, you will see that I am mostly right. No matter how much I want to mean something to him, it’s not going to happen.
Was it a game? If it was, it’s not now. Now I’m a stupid fucking romantic who only wants what no one is willing to give.
T (tennis coach) had suggested to me that he wanted me to himself, that he prefer I not meet K. I had my husband; T had his girlfriend. It all somehow seemed equal and fair to me. When he asked that I not meet K, I agreed. I should only need one sexual partner, and here I already had two… He and I both had our committed relationships and then each other on the side.
Until he went and fucked Erica. Like he had a hundred times before. But NOT SINCE HE MET ME.
In my twisted mind, it hurt. It was unfair. Double standard. Unequal rights.
So I leveled the playing field.
I am having a hard time remembering the timeline. Too much too soon from too many directions.
Tuesday, T told me he had contacted Erica about a threesome. I told him to give her my number, and she and I started communicating directly. Within minutes I knew they had slept together on Monday. I’m not supposed to care. We are all adults with no commitment between us. But it stung. Like a bitch. For him to have ignored her since he met me, then to suddenly contact her. Maybe it was to set up the threesome, but I doubt it. I’m sure it was because I wouldn’t give him a ride from the airport that day… He needed to fuck, and I shut him down.
I have so much more to write about Erica. It’s too many emotions at once. It is nothing like getting to know a man. She and I dove immediately into the emotional. There’s no hiding, no wondering. It is open and vibrant, a relationship already pulsing with life, fear and desire.
Erica is beautiful. Thin, petite, her hand small in mine till I feel like a giant, a sad girl, the man. Her lips soft tongue insistent her gaze locked with mine, scary and making me feel inadequate but kissing is easy, technique… I don’t know but let her lead. She says I have a vibe hey my own mother told me that then said it would bring nothing but trouble. The vibe… Mike thought it was the key to knowing me, understanding that I don’t understand the effect I have. Erica wants it, is afraid that I will change my mind but I’m afraid she’s too perfect no wrinkled flesh stretch marks or breasts concave from being sucked dry by beautiful chubby babies.
We are secret from T until we want him, because Erica is strong terrifying not afraid of him or his blustery ultimatums. She is tiny and fierce her moans startling her response immediate making me question my hesitation. I wonder why any man would want me when women like her exist.
This is my current song obsession. Like, I’ll listen to it 15 times in a row before bed. It reminds me of him and it makes me grin.
Crazy, because I downloaded this song Friday and have hardly listened to anything else.
"I believe every lie that I ever told…"
"I got all the answers to your questions I’ll be the teacher you could be the lesson I’ll be the preacher you be the confession I’ll be the quick relief to all your stressing (this is my world) It’s a thin line between love and hate Is you really real or is you really fake I’m a soldier standing on my feet No surrender and I won’t retreat (this is my world)”
This song is so him it makes me cry to even think about it.
"…Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry You don’t know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart...”
The Scientist - Coldplay
I have been hearing this song in my head all week.
I’ll take you back to the start.
I am back in Abilene for the weekend. My son has a tennis tournament here. My husband will drive back to Dallas Sunday to work, but the kids and I are staying till Tuesday. I am hoping for lots of tae kwon do and being with my family and tkd family.
When the things I’ve done this week are too shameful for me to post to tumblr, but I am already eager for Spring Break to be over so I can get back to them, I know something is wrong.